


Better Days

by Fasta



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Leader Kim Hongjoong, Not Beta Read, OT8, Self-Doubt, Sleep Deprivation, We Die Like Men, hongjoong needs a hug, seonghwa delivers, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28234707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fasta/pseuds/Fasta
Summary: Hongjoong has good days and bad days. Sometimes the bad days get the better of him.Luckily, his members are there to help him out when he needs them.
Kudos: 18





	Better Days

**Author's Note:**

> sooooooo i revised this and added a little bit more 😅😅 i’m more satisfied with it now
> 
> haha.......... erhm i promise i’m working on my other fics :’’)

Hongjoong would consider himself a well-rounded individual if he put thought into it. He had many hobbies (sometimes he thought too many) and he did well in all of them. Of course, music was his life. It was how he made a living and he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Like all other things, he pursued his career dreams with fiery passion and relentless, stubborn determination. 

Sometimes, Hongjoong would be able to stay in the studio for hours and feel like everything he produced or tweaked sounded better than anything he had come up with before. He didn’t sleep enough when the music kept winding in his head, the notes floating before his eyes, beats making his fingers twitch on the table. His members would be worried but they could tell he wouldn’t sleep even if they forced him to go home. The music was insistent and nothing could pull him away. Those were good days.

Other times, Hongjoong would be faced with a song or a beat or a melody that wouldn’t work itself out and nothing he did would change the fact that it just sounded  _ wrong _ . And he didn’t know why. 

He wouldn’t—couldn’t—let himself work on anything else,  _ needing  _ to get it right or else he’d be a failure. Mingi, bless him, would do his best to help but it wasn’t enough. Hongjoong would spiral into a hole of self loathing and disgust, overflowing with contempt and disdain for his own inability to fix something that surely had a simple solution. He was just too stupid to figure it out. 

Deep down, the rational part of him knew producing was hardly an easy thing to pick up but this little bit of logic was buried under every other doubt his mind sprung upon him. He lost sleep agonizing over anything and everything even if he didn’t get anything done. These were bad days. 

The bad days would turn into bad weeks, would turn into bad months. The longest bad streak he’d had was 3 months, when ATEEZ first debuted. His members hadn’t known yet how to deal with his lows. They thought he would snap out of it and honestly, he’d believed it too. He  _ had _ to snap out of it because he was the leader and he couldn’t be  _ weak _ . No, he’d suffer by himself, drowning in helplessness and lack of sleep, too stubborn and prideful to ask for help. And really, they didn’t deserve the added stress of his troubles on top of preparing for their comeback. 

Hongjoong had bottled everything up, resolutely going to practice and schedules even as he spent every other waking moment in his studio. He’d thought it would be better for the others not see him in such a state and then they wouldn’t have to worry so much. He’d never meant to open up, denying himself the relief of talking through his troubles. 

But then came Seonghwa. 

Thank god for Park Seonghwa. 

It had only taken him cornering Hongjoong after a grueling dance practice, asking what was wrong, for him to break down, sobbing out what had been going on. 

_ I can’t think and I can’t sleep and I can’t do  _ anything  _ because everything in my head is music but everything sounds wrong and I’ve failed you and I’ve failed everyone else and I don't deserve to be the leader and I’m so  _ tired _ , hyung _ . 

It had been horribly embarrassing, he’ll admit, to be so vulnerable, and in front of Seonghwa, no less. He’d fully expected to be scoffed at, told to suck it up, he was the leader for fuck’s sake, and that a few months worth of late nights was nothing, that every single one of them was stressed and he wasn’t helping by having a breakdown. 

Instead, his tears were met with soothing words, strong arms, and Seonghwa’s face full of sympathy and not just a little heartbreak. He’d told Hongjoong that they’d all been worried about him. The tears had been brushed away gently and when he was pulled into a settling hug, Hongjoong felt something heal and break inside him all at once. Healed from how softly Seonghwa treated him and broken because he was ashamed of having bottled everything up. Instead of saving the members from worrying about him, he’d hurt them by not trusting them. 

That was then, and through trial and error, Hongjoong had worked out a system with the others. He told them when he was working and how long he meant to be at the studio. If he was more than an hour late, he’d get a call. If his new time to be home was too late for their liking, one of them would drag him back. 

Each of them had their own special job or favorite thing to have him do when he hit a slump, too. Jongho would, more often than not, be the one to coax Hongjoong out of his studio and back home, unafraid of physically removing him if necessary. He’d distract Hongjoong with talk of his vocal lessons, what songs he’d been learning on the guitar, and that he was glad Hongjoong had decided to come home. They all missed him. 

Yunho and Wooyoung would have him help out with choreography, trying new sequences and it almost always devolved into a dance battle with Hongjoong as the judge. That always made him laugh, seeing the ridiculous moves Yunho and Wooyoung pulled out. 

San and Yeosang would rope him into any one of their conversations, pestering him until he was actively engaged and debating whether or not mint chocolate ice cream was a valid flavor or if the sun were a person, what would they wear. Some of the topics were absolutely dumb and Hongjoong loved it. 

Mingi sometimes worked him through stretches that he’d learned for his back. If Hongjoong felt like it, he’d talk about the song and sometimes he even realized what needed to be done. When this happened, he wrote the solution down and left it for the next day. 

Seonghwa would hover. Always. Not in a bad way, but in an I-want-to-make-sure-you’re-okay way. He’d accompany Hongjoong to the grocery store or to the coffee shop or to his reforming studio, providing comfort just from being present. 

Now, Hongjoong wasn’t afraid of being vulnerable. He could go to any of the members and they would comfort him. His favorite thing, though, was when everyone would pile into the living room and form a cuddle pile to watch a movie. The feeling of comfort and peacefulness was immeasurable, regardless of the inevitable bickering that ensued. 

ATEEZ had been his family from the start, but he’d considered himself the head of the family, strong and slightly removed. He’d opened up, let the others in, told them he wasn’t perfect and that he wasn’t always strong. He’d realized, then, that he didn’t need to be perfect or strong all the time. He just needed to be present. 

Hongjoong took care of them and they took care of him and he probably wouldn’t have survived without them. 

**Author's Note:**

> i’m back! kind of lol
> 
> what with college applications and my lack of personal motivation, here’s a little something :))) even though it’s like,,,,,,, hella short and definitely not that well written 😭


End file.
